Quotes

This page will be reserved for notable quotes from many sources...
They are intended for amusement purposes only.
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Here's some from Andy Rooney...

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"

2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year
to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we
should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours
a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in
the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can
take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences : Men and women are different in the morning.
We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.
And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because
we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote
on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know."
It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up
looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."
This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

6. Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be-Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh'
of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

7. Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl
contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages
on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you
are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

9. Andy. Rooney on Research: Because over the past few years, more money has been spent
on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that
by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and
erections...who can't remember what to do with them!

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